Today i didn't give her enought

I was busy.  Or short tempered. Or she was whiny & nasty. Or her sisters were getting on both our nerves.  Really is was all of the above, but that doesn't excuse my behavior.  I’m the adult. I am the mom. I am her safe spot in this world.  I am thinking about all of this as I look at my sleeping pre-teen child curled up next to me in my bed.  Oh my, sometimes she is so nasty.  But she has a big beautiful heart and I have to remember that she is so overwhelmed at times. Just as I am so I will give myself a little bit of grace, but just a little bit because I know better & I need to do better. What it must be like to be an 11 year old girl in a house of 11 year old girls.  Of course it seems so easy to me.  She's a kid.  What is there to worry about?  You know what? i don't think i've ever really sat her down & asked her.  Of course i have asked her plenty of times about what was bothering her, but have i ever really asked about things that couldn't be fixed that minute?  That is my goal for tomorrow - to talk to lily alone for just a few minutes.  To listen to her thoughts without dismissing them as trivial.  To understand that she has been on this earth 4211 days & is constantly being faced with new emotions & new situation.  Very little really seems to rattle this kid but i need to make sure its not because of me. 

 

I'm back. Maybe just this one time. No pressure.

 I'm such a looser i couldn't even keep up with a blog.  no wonder we don't have any baby books.  Mom has been to busy keeping 3 kids alive.  yes, i realize so many people manage to do it all, but i am not one of them.  I think i'll start trying again.  11.  My girls are 11.  I'll update the photo.  It so hard.  Not overall.  Overall they are perfect.  But day to day it is so hard.  Or maybe i have that backwards.  Today i have time to sit & write.  Really most days a have a few minutes.  But every minute of every day is filled with thoughts of my kids. Not even necessarily how they’re doing right this minute. They’re at their dads, I know they’re fine Dave texted me and called me this morning.  It’s only been the last 10 months or so that they’ve actually spent time at their dads house.  Before that he always just came here and then I had to leave because I prefer not to be around him.  Then I get to come home to an even mess your house that I had no part in messing up.  That still happens because they do spend more time here than anywhere else but every once in a while it doesn’t happen. Every once in a while I’m alone in my house with my own mess and they are somewhere else creating a mess I’m not responsible for.  It’s improved my mental health tremendously. Not that I generally have mental health issues. But we all have things that increase & decrease our moods. And not being 100% responsible for 100% of my children’s daily care really does increase my mood.  I really do like to write things down. I write things down all the time. I just had to write them on scraps of paper and then lose the paper. Maybe I’ll start riding again. Or maybe I’ll be back in another six years. 

NO Stranger Danger!

The words stranger danger make me cringe.  it's like nails on a chalkboard.  Of course i want my children to learn to be careful, but the idea that all strangers are dangerous, is ludicrous.  It creates a world of fear that i don't want my children to live it.  I didn't grow up in a paranoid society & i refuse to let my children grow up that way. 

At 4, my girls understand that they do not go any where with a stranger & if a stranger tries to make them go, they scream.  But we all know (or should know) that most crimes against children are committed by close friends & family members, not strangers.  The strangers are the ones we want them to tell if they are threatened.  We want them to talk to teachers & police,   If my child is lost or feels threatened, i want her to tell a stranger, any stranger. When she is older & alowed to go places by herself, if she feels like someone is following her, i want her to knock on the first avalable door & ask a stranger for help.
Tennessee Williams' wrote "I have always depended on  the kindness of strangers"

Having worked in the prison system, i know criminals & i understand that there are dangers in the world.  My children don't really understand this yet, & i don't want them to.  There is time for that.  I don't let them watch the news or violent TV shows or movies.  There is enough that seeps into the cartoons they watch.  & we talk about it.  We talk about dangers & how to avoid them.  But i will never teach my children that strangers are inherently bad.  

I do a lot of volunteer work. I help strangers when ever i can.  Maybe it is the world i have immersed myself in, but the people around me do the same.  We are not the exception, we are the rule.  People are good. 

In fact, i have always encouraged my children to talk to strangers.  They order their own food at a restaurant, they make friends every time we go to the park & they know to ask their new friends name & give their own.  They know to say "bless you", "excuse me", & "thank you", to perfect strangers when the need arises.

These are the kind of children i want to raise.  I'm raising children who will change the world, not live in fear of it. 

calling 911 for your child

this may be the scariest thing i have ever encountered as a mom.  one of my trips - C - fell about 6 feet & landed flat on her back on a hard wood floor.  were camping in a cabin & she was climbing down from a loft & lost her footing.  She didn't loose consciousness & screamed right away.  As a nurse & a mother, that scream is the most welcome sound in the world.  Still, she was writhing around it what looked like so much pain, i was concerned about a spinal fracture.  After calling 911, the ambulance was there very quickly.  The paramedics examined her & decided there was no immediate emergency but took us to the hospital to be sure.  By that time, C was able to talk & told us she didn't hit her head.  Her complaint was her lower back.  
The dr in the er checked her out & ordered an X-ray.  After 3 hours in the ER, & C refusing 4 times to let them get an x-ray, it was fairly apparent that she wasn't hurt.

But then the crotchety old dr comes in & says to me "it's really unusual for a 4 year old not to listen to her mother". as if I'm a bad mother who has no control of her child. I told him that if it were something i could hold her down for, i would. unfortunately a back x-ray is something she needs to be willing to do because she has to stand perfectly still with no one holding her.  WTF, has he ever met a 4 year old?  especially 1 in a strange place being asked to do something she has never done before?  

Thankfully, she really is OK.  I took her to the chiropractor a couple of days later (this happened on a camping trip in another state)  & he said he could feel where the back was compacted & under stress, but that he also didn't think she had done any real damage.  It's amazing how resilient kids can be.  

It really was the worst experience in my 5 1/4 years of pregnancy & motherhood. Here's hoping a i can get a minimum of 5 1/4 years before the next scare.

their your kids, now take care of them!

I'm going to be brutally honest (& probably get myself into trouble) but here goes.  They are your kids.  You need to learn how to take care of them BY YOURSELF!  Sure, it's often easier to have someone else with you to lend a hand.  And every once in a while it is crucial.  But you have to be able to handle your own kids.  You have to be able to live your life with your kids, not in spite of them.  They are not a disability, they are an advantage.  I once heard a women who was pregnant with triplets ask a mother or triplets who were about a year old, how you go out alone with all 3.  The mothers answer "you don't".  I cringed when i heard that.  My girls were about the same age as that mother's & i took them everywhere with me.  I'm not superwomen, I'm just a mom.  I'm a damn good mom, but still, just a mom, with 2 eyes & 2 hands.  If i can do it, so can you.  I guess i do have one secret weapon. But since I'm willing too share it with anyone who will listen, i guess it's not much of a secret.  Here it is, pay close attention.  Confidence.  Unlike that mom, who told the mother to be that it couldn't be done, i was lucky enough in my pregnancy (& before) to be surrounded by strong, confidante women.  Women who told me that i could take care of my babies & told me they would show me how - & they did.  I learned from the best moms around.  Mom's who embraced their children & held them with pride & i thank them.  I thank them for lifting me up, when it would have been so easy to fall.  & i hope that i can continue to pass on that confidence.

at what age do kids stop needing a stroller?

On some parenting decisions, i totally don't judge.  on this one i do.  i took my kids to a theme park today.  At just over 4 1/2, i think they are way to old to be in a stroller.  I'm pretty sure they think so to.  But as always, i noticed many children who appeared to be much older then my own, ridding in strollers.  They were folded in, legs bent at an awkward angle to try & keep from hitting the ground. Isn't at least part of the goal of taking your kids to a place like this, that they tire themselves out?  How do they do that when they are being taxied from one amusement to the next? Of course it should go with out saying, I'm not talking about children with any kind of disabilities.  I got to observe many of these children as there parents pushed them until they got where they were going. At the point, the children simply jumped out of their chariots.  Really??  I can't be the only one who thinks this is nuts!!

what do you do with all the happy wedding pictures when you are no longer happy?

want to know what i feel most guilty about?  it's not the pictures so much.  i could take or leave those.  What i feel most bad about it a beautiful framed needle point that a wonderful friend hand made as a wedding gift.  it is the entire Corinthians, with our names & wedding date.  it's gorgeous.  & now i have no use for it.   I feel bad because i know it took him weeks & weeks to make.  But back to the pictures.  what do you do with them?  i hate to just get rid of them, because someday my kids may want them.  i don't really want to look at them because although i am not altogether sad about the break up of my marriage, looking at the happy people in the pictures does make me a little sad.  The problem i guess, is that they pop up all over.  I would be celebrating my 8th anniversary next month - i guess technically since i'm still married it's still my anniversary, but we are definitely not celebrating.  but because it was not that long ago, pictures still pop up.  on my phone, on facebook, on my laptop.  i need to purge them.  print them or save them too a flash drive & put them in some corner of my house.  i'll work on that soon.
If you are divorced or separated, what did you do with the pictures?