Today i didn't give her enought

I was busy.  Or short tempered. Or she was whiny & nasty. Or her sisters were getting on both our nerves.  Really is was all of the above, but that doesn't excuse my behavior.  I’m the adult. I am the mom. I am her safe spot in this world.  I am thinking about all of this as I look at my sleeping pre-teen child curled up next to me in my bed.  Oh my, sometimes she is so nasty.  But she has a big beautiful heart and I have to remember that she is so overwhelmed at times. Just as I am so I will give myself a little bit of grace, but just a little bit because I know better & I need to do better. What it must be like to be an 11 year old girl in a house of 11 year old girls.  Of course it seems so easy to me.  She's a kid.  What is there to worry about?  You know what? i don't think i've ever really sat her down & asked her.  Of course i have asked her plenty of times about what was bothering her, but have i ever really asked about things that couldn't be fixed that minute?  That is my goal for tomorrow - to talk to lily alone for just a few minutes.  To listen to her thoughts without dismissing them as trivial.  To understand that she has been on this earth 4211 days & is constantly being faced with new emotions & new situation.  Very little really seems to rattle this kid but i need to make sure its not because of me. 

 

I'm back. Maybe just this one time. No pressure.

 I'm such a looser i couldn't even keep up with a blog.  no wonder we don't have any baby books.  Mom has been to busy keeping 3 kids alive.  yes, i realize so many people manage to do it all, but i am not one of them.  I think i'll start trying again.  11.  My girls are 11.  I'll update the photo.  It so hard.  Not overall.  Overall they are perfect.  But day to day it is so hard.  Or maybe i have that backwards.  Today i have time to sit & write.  Really most days a have a few minutes.  But every minute of every day is filled with thoughts of my kids. Not even necessarily how they’re doing right this minute. They’re at their dads, I know they’re fine Dave texted me and called me this morning.  It’s only been the last 10 months or so that they’ve actually spent time at their dads house.  Before that he always just came here and then I had to leave because I prefer not to be around him.  Then I get to come home to an even mess your house that I had no part in messing up.  That still happens because they do spend more time here than anywhere else but every once in a while it doesn’t happen. Every once in a while I’m alone in my house with my own mess and they are somewhere else creating a mess I’m not responsible for.  It’s improved my mental health tremendously. Not that I generally have mental health issues. But we all have things that increase & decrease our moods. And not being 100% responsible for 100% of my children’s daily care really does increase my mood.  I really do like to write things down. I write things down all the time. I just had to write them on scraps of paper and then lose the paper. Maybe I’ll start riding again. Or maybe I’ll be back in another six years.