NO Stranger Danger!

The words stranger danger make me cringe.  it's like nails on a chalkboard.  Of course i want my children to learn to be careful, but the idea that all strangers are dangerous, is ludicrous.  It creates a world of fear that i don't want my children to live it.  I didn't grow up in a paranoid society & i refuse to let my children grow up that way. 

At 4, my girls understand that they do not go any where with a stranger & if a stranger tries to make them go, they scream.  But we all know (or should know) that most crimes against children are committed by close friends & family members, not strangers.  The strangers are the ones we want them to tell if they are threatened.  We want them to talk to teachers & police,   If my child is lost or feels threatened, i want her to tell a stranger, any stranger. When she is older & alowed to go places by herself, if she feels like someone is following her, i want her to knock on the first avalable door & ask a stranger for help.
Tennessee Williams' wrote "I have always depended on  the kindness of strangers"

Having worked in the prison system, i know criminals & i understand that there are dangers in the world.  My children don't really understand this yet, & i don't want them to.  There is time for that.  I don't let them watch the news or violent TV shows or movies.  There is enough that seeps into the cartoons they watch.  & we talk about it.  We talk about dangers & how to avoid them.  But i will never teach my children that strangers are inherently bad.  

I do a lot of volunteer work. I help strangers when ever i can.  Maybe it is the world i have immersed myself in, but the people around me do the same.  We are not the exception, we are the rule.  People are good. 

In fact, i have always encouraged my children to talk to strangers.  They order their own food at a restaurant, they make friends every time we go to the park & they know to ask their new friends name & give their own.  They know to say "bless you", "excuse me", & "thank you", to perfect strangers when the need arises.

These are the kind of children i want to raise.  I'm raising children who will change the world, not live in fear of it. 

calling 911 for your child

this may be the scariest thing i have ever encountered as a mom.  one of my trips - C - fell about 6 feet & landed flat on her back on a hard wood floor.  were camping in a cabin & she was climbing down from a loft & lost her footing.  She didn't loose consciousness & screamed right away.  As a nurse & a mother, that scream is the most welcome sound in the world.  Still, she was writhing around it what looked like so much pain, i was concerned about a spinal fracture.  After calling 911, the ambulance was there very quickly.  The paramedics examined her & decided there was no immediate emergency but took us to the hospital to be sure.  By that time, C was able to talk & told us she didn't hit her head.  Her complaint was her lower back.  
The dr in the er checked her out & ordered an X-ray.  After 3 hours in the ER, & C refusing 4 times to let them get an x-ray, it was fairly apparent that she wasn't hurt.

But then the crotchety old dr comes in & says to me "it's really unusual for a 4 year old not to listen to her mother". as if I'm a bad mother who has no control of her child. I told him that if it were something i could hold her down for, i would. unfortunately a back x-ray is something she needs to be willing to do because she has to stand perfectly still with no one holding her.  WTF, has he ever met a 4 year old?  especially 1 in a strange place being asked to do something she has never done before?  

Thankfully, she really is OK.  I took her to the chiropractor a couple of days later (this happened on a camping trip in another state)  & he said he could feel where the back was compacted & under stress, but that he also didn't think she had done any real damage.  It's amazing how resilient kids can be.  

It really was the worst experience in my 5 1/4 years of pregnancy & motherhood. Here's hoping a i can get a minimum of 5 1/4 years before the next scare.

their your kids, now take care of them!

I'm going to be brutally honest (& probably get myself into trouble) but here goes.  They are your kids.  You need to learn how to take care of them BY YOURSELF!  Sure, it's often easier to have someone else with you to lend a hand.  And every once in a while it is crucial.  But you have to be able to handle your own kids.  You have to be able to live your life with your kids, not in spite of them.  They are not a disability, they are an advantage.  I once heard a women who was pregnant with triplets ask a mother or triplets who were about a year old, how you go out alone with all 3.  The mothers answer "you don't".  I cringed when i heard that.  My girls were about the same age as that mother's & i took them everywhere with me.  I'm not superwomen, I'm just a mom.  I'm a damn good mom, but still, just a mom, with 2 eyes & 2 hands.  If i can do it, so can you.  I guess i do have one secret weapon. But since I'm willing too share it with anyone who will listen, i guess it's not much of a secret.  Here it is, pay close attention.  Confidence.  Unlike that mom, who told the mother to be that it couldn't be done, i was lucky enough in my pregnancy (& before) to be surrounded by strong, confidante women.  Women who told me that i could take care of my babies & told me they would show me how - & they did.  I learned from the best moms around.  Mom's who embraced their children & held them with pride & i thank them.  I thank them for lifting me up, when it would have been so easy to fall.  & i hope that i can continue to pass on that confidence.

at what age do kids stop needing a stroller?

On some parenting decisions, i totally don't judge.  on this one i do.  i took my kids to a theme park today.  At just over 4 1/2, i think they are way to old to be in a stroller.  I'm pretty sure they think so to.  But as always, i noticed many children who appeared to be much older then my own, ridding in strollers.  They were folded in, legs bent at an awkward angle to try & keep from hitting the ground. Isn't at least part of the goal of taking your kids to a place like this, that they tire themselves out?  How do they do that when they are being taxied from one amusement to the next? Of course it should go with out saying, I'm not talking about children with any kind of disabilities.  I got to observe many of these children as there parents pushed them until they got where they were going. At the point, the children simply jumped out of their chariots.  Really??  I can't be the only one who thinks this is nuts!!

what do you do with all the happy wedding pictures when you are no longer happy?

want to know what i feel most guilty about?  it's not the pictures so much.  i could take or leave those.  What i feel most bad about it a beautiful framed needle point that a wonderful friend hand made as a wedding gift.  it is the entire Corinthians, with our names & wedding date.  it's gorgeous.  & now i have no use for it.   I feel bad because i know it took him weeks & weeks to make.  But back to the pictures.  what do you do with them?  i hate to just get rid of them, because someday my kids may want them.  i don't really want to look at them because although i am not altogether sad about the break up of my marriage, looking at the happy people in the pictures does make me a little sad.  The problem i guess, is that they pop up all over.  I would be celebrating my 8th anniversary next month - i guess technically since i'm still married it's still my anniversary, but we are definitely not celebrating.  but because it was not that long ago, pictures still pop up.  on my phone, on facebook, on my laptop.  i need to purge them.  print them or save them too a flash drive & put them in some corner of my house.  i'll work on that soon.
If you are divorced or separated, what did you do with the pictures?

are you a pinterist mom?

if you are, i admire you.  I want to be you (or at least be your friend, so you can make things for me).  i dabble in pinterest, i pin things i will never make to pages i will never look at again.  It's amazing, how many ideas are out there.  It's amazing, how many people have such creativity.  I tell myself that they have much more free time then i do (the same thing i like to think about people who exercise regularly).  but real people pinterest (& exercise regularly), but i am not one of them.  The only things on my pinterest boards that i have actually made are a small hand full or recipes.  & i have learned that if i didn't make in in the next couple of days, if i just pinned it to my board & forgot about it, it would remain forgotten.  Yet i read every email i get that tells me what everyone else is pinning, so just i can look at things I'll never use.  They say facebook depresses people because our friends status about good things happening to them make us feel bad about ourselves.  Nope, i think it's pinterist that makes us feel bad about ourselves. 

can we teach our children to be happy?

I think you can.  I think that happiness is a choice we make everyday & our kids can learn that from us.  Of course there are plenty of things to be unhappy about & choosing happiness doesn't mean that rainbows follow you around & the clouds part when you arrive.  It just means that you are doing your best to see the good & often to make something of a bad situation.  Positive energy attracts positive energy.  Sure, i could sit & wallow is the mess my life has currently become (& there are moments that i do), but wallowing doesn't improve anything.  I have amazing kids.  I'm not sure I've ever thought of 4 year olds as cool before, but these kids are the absolute coolest.  I have best friends.  not just 1, but several, who would never let me fall to far.  I also have a vision of what my life should be.  Being able to see it, definitely helps.  I think the biggest reason my life fell apart is because it wasn't the life i was meant to live.

Everyday i get up & move forward. By example, i hope to teach that skill to my children.  I want them to become strong women, who are able move through their lives with a positive outlook.  I don't wish for their lives to be easy.  I wish for them to be resilient enough to adapt to & improve what ever situation they find themselves in.  I wish for them to be women that others look up to.  To be women with the strength to pull others up - A skill i think a lot of people lack. Many people use the weakness of others to make themselves appear stronger.  It's an illusion that will eventually fade. 

To choose happiness in the face of adversity isn't naive, it's brave, & that is a life lesson i want my daughters to learn from me. 

i'm going to admit something terrable

i don't take my kids to the doctors.  they are 4 1/2 & haven't been to the dr since they had there 3 year old check up.  part of the reason is that we didn't have insurance for several months.  Part of it is that my kids don't get sick (knocking on wood of course) & part of it is that we are not vaccinating.  that's the real secret.  the really terrible thing i have to admit.  My kids haven't had a vaccine in almost 2 years, because, although they had them early on, i have done more research since then & just decided to hold off for a while.  maybe we will go back to it, maybe not.  The real kicker was that my state (or is it the whole country) requires that any child under the magic age of 60 months, get a flu shot if they are enrolled in school.  I have healthy children, & don't believe they need a flu shot.  I've never had one.   i just don't think it's necessary (this is not medical advice, only my opinion).  So when my children's preschool insisted, i officially filed a religious exemption.  it was easy.

here's what the bible says about vaccines:
The body of a Christian is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1Co 3:16; 1Co 3:17; 1Co 6:19; 2Co 6:16; Eph 2:21). As such, the believer is to purify himself from everything that contaminates both body and spirit (2 Co 7:1).

Vaccines may contain various ingredients that contaminate the body, including aluminum hydroxide, aluminum phosphate, ammonium sulfate, formaldehyde, various toxoids and antibiotics, as well as heavy metals like mercury contained in thimerosal, which is used as a preservative.   Mercury is a highly toxic element, second only to radioactive plutonium. When it is combined with other ingredients, specifically aluminum and formaldehyde, the synergistic effects increase 10,000-fold.  Scientific studies have connected thimerosal with autism.  To inject known neurotoxins into our children, which have known health risks, would be a violation of these biblical teachings.

whether you have that particular faith or not, this is the principal that works for a religious exemption in NJ.  

So that is my guilty confession.  Of course, i really don't know if i am doing the right thing.  Like all parents, i am just trying to do my best & doubting myself along the way.

Newsflash: Newborns wake up at all hours!

Why do moms of newborn babies think they should get to sleep?  I know this is going to sound rude, but it drives me crazy when the mom (or dad) of a 2 week old is complaining that their baby doesn't  sleep.  Hello??  Didn't anyone ever tell you that was going to happen?  babies under 4 months rarely sleep thru the night (or day).  I understand being tired.  I even understand having a breakdown because you are so tired that you can not function.  what i don't understand is thinking that it shouldn't be that way.  This is parenthood.  It starts out with very little sleep, but if your lucky, the lack of sleep won't last forever.  You can want sleep & need sleep, but don't expect sleep.  So by all means, complain to your friends about being tired.  Complain about how you put your sweat pants on backwards (or was that just me).  But don't complain that it is the baby's fault. This is what they are programmed to do & it's the mom equivalent to parenting boot-camp.  It is a trial by fire, but it's the only way.  You will get through it & you will have the battle stories to tell.  Use it later to make your child feel guilty.  When he's 15, go in & wake him up at 6 am on a Saturday & let him know that it's payback.  You & i know it's not really his fault, but we'll just keep that between us.

romanticizing pregnancy & wanting more

I know in my head that i hated being pregnant.  the stress, the hormones, the physically ill feeling. but 4 years later, I'll still tell you i miss it.  The baby bump, the special treatment, the ability to eat anything i want - OK, that may be the part i really miss.  But i also miss babies.  I remember how sweet they were when they slept in your arms, i remember hod happy just jiggling something in front of them would make them.  Then i remind myself about breastfeeding & pumping & the uncountable number of diapers i changed & the months without sleep.  I can't even imagine how i functioned, but i must have, because here i am.  with 3 beautiful 4 year olds.  Somehow, they & i made it threw those first few months & i have the log books to prove it.  I guess that's a multiples thing.  i don't think moms of singletons (it's also a multiples thing to use the work Singleton) keep a log of ever diaper change & feeding.  Still, i would love to have more babies.  my body is done, my wallet is empty, but my heart has a small hole.  I've heard people say that they just knew when their families were complete.  Somehow i just know that mine is not.  I'm a 40 year old(41 next week), soon to be divorced, single mother of 4 year old triplets.  Yet i know there were meant to be more.  Unfortunately, those MORE, will not come from me.  But someday, i would love to adopt.  I would love to have another child or 2 as my own, to complete our crazy family.  A set of twins would be wonderful.  Someday.  I while i won't have the stories of how they were in my belly to tell them, i will have the stories of how they were in my heart. 

me time wasted on facebook

As a mom of 4 year old triplets, me time is (almost) more valuable then money.   So why do i waste it in Facebook land?  here's why.  The me time comes in spurts.  sometimes i have as little as 2 minutes, while I'm waiting for one of my children to use the bathroom.  What do you do with 2 minutes?   In 2 minutes i can check a tiny corner of the world.  I can see what my friends (who aren't waiting for a 4 year old to go potty) are doing.  I can see what news stories people are talking about right now - & that is my version of TV news.  Yes, when i have a little more then 2 minutes, i may get sucked in, but that's not so often.  My latest guilty pleasure is a Facebook group for single parents (a category i have recently fallen in to).  It's like a soap opera being played out in real life.  I'm just amazed at what people will say on line.  Jerry Springer has nothing on some of these folks.  & it reminds me of how much i love my life. 
So while maybe it is a waste of time, it's my time to waste.  These few minutes during potty breaks, the rare times i arrive at preschool early & can sit in my car before going in & retrieving my children, these are MY minutes, & in a (wonderful) life given over to motherhood, those few minutes are often all i have to waste.